Anyway--check it out if you want. I'll be posting pics every day through March 31st. I'm hoping the below piece can validate what some folks might be feeling right now: depressed, anxious, hopeless, scared while reminding us of the power that we have to give ourselves feelings of joy through imagination, story, music and art. We could all use a little magic right about now.
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It’s weird how depression puts a fog over things that you
don’t even realize was there until it’s gone. For the past year that’s how I
felt, like I was walking half asleep through a fog that was my life. I felt out
of control, I cried all the time and I couldn’t see a way out of it. I went to
therapy every week and ugly cried, my eyes swollen with the force of tears
rushing to my ducts faster than they could fall and make way for a new wave.
And then there were moments of joy, the way it comes like a tiny firefly in a
dark cave, just enough to quicken your heart, fill your soul with hope and
wonder. Of memories of a time when living wasn’t this hard or painful. But then
it would disappear just as quickly as it came, into a dark void. And then came
the concerned looks, the “are you okay?”s from acquaintances that don’t actually
care to hear the answer. People who I wasn’t ready to share the honest answer with
anyway. The worst of them came from people I loved, people who loved me. Those
questions were answered with a well of tears or a deep breath or the
exasperated shrug of someone who has run out of words to describe how not okay
they are.
And life goes on, you go to work, you make meals, you go to
birthday parties and watch your favorite shows and shower (once you realize
it’s been way to long since you’ve done that). In preparation for what I knew would be a difficult emotional year Mary and I bought annual passes to
one of our favorite places: Disneyland. I know what you’re thinking, the
monopoly, capitalist, sexist, racist company that has been taking our money
fueled be taking advantage of our emotional states. Yes, that one. We love it.
I could probably write a book about my love affair with Disneyland and Disney
in general but that is not this post so I’ll just have to ask you to trust that
there are good reasons and move along. These Disneyland trips peppered the year
with pre-scheduled whimsy. What would we do on these trips you might ask?
We put together outfits and we took pictures.
That is pretty much it and it was glorious.
We put together outfits and we took pictures.
That is pretty much it and it was glorious.
I’ve never been a big fashion girl. Raised by a practical
mother that prioritized comfort over trends and lives in a big body that makes
access to affordable fashionable clothes basically impossible, it was never
modeled. We didn’t have a lot of money growing up, but in that military family,
has a couple credit cards and military discounts, healthcare and housing-- kind
of way. I’d beg for Nike’s in September and get an on sale athletic pair (not
Jordans or anything actually cool) 6 months later on discount and on a credit
card. Then I'd be shamed for ever wanting them in the first place. That’s been my
style—things that I thought were cool and maybe were slightly off trend but
adjacent enough to not make me a total reject.
But when it came to these Disneyland trips—the outfits had
to be center stage!
It was a whole look from head to toe, including necessary changes sitting neatly folded in a rented locker (you gotta get the locker guys) for the inevitable SoCal nighttime drop in temperature. After the first trip it became increasingly clear that we needed more stuff!
More t-shirts, different bottoms, more purses, fanny packs, earrings!
And I know what you’re thinking—this is why Disney is the devil. But there was something exciting in it for me. When I put on those outfits I felt more like myself than I had felt in years. I was transported into my childhood self, still filled with wonder and hope and a deep belief in magic. I believed in Santa until like 12 and made up several theories as to why he was real and everyone else (including adults) were sorely mistaken. I was excited to dress for those days, to lay out all of my options and do a little fashion show with Mary & Erika the night before. The three of us figuring out how we might coordinate or even match (the dream!). I think my little 90’s baby gay heart pretty much exploded when on one trip we donned the same Mickey spaghetti straps and matching jean jackets with patches we had collected over our past trips (pictured below). I had my best friend and my best girl beside me and we were matching—this is the thing that 90’s teen movies are made of!
It was a whole look from head to toe, including necessary changes sitting neatly folded in a rented locker (you gotta get the locker guys) for the inevitable SoCal nighttime drop in temperature. After the first trip it became increasingly clear that we needed more stuff!
More t-shirts, different bottoms, more purses, fanny packs, earrings!
And I know what you’re thinking—this is why Disney is the devil. But there was something exciting in it for me. When I put on those outfits I felt more like myself than I had felt in years. I was transported into my childhood self, still filled with wonder and hope and a deep belief in magic. I believed in Santa until like 12 and made up several theories as to why he was real and everyone else (including adults) were sorely mistaken. I was excited to dress for those days, to lay out all of my options and do a little fashion show with Mary & Erika the night before. The three of us figuring out how we might coordinate or even match (the dream!). I think my little 90’s baby gay heart pretty much exploded when on one trip we donned the same Mickey spaghetti straps and matching jean jackets with patches we had collected over our past trips (pictured below). I had my best friend and my best girl beside me and we were matching—this is the thing that 90’s teen movies are made of!
It wasn’t too long until I brought that feeling home.
Wearing the jean jacket to work anytime I didn’t have important meetings,
lovingly clasping rose gold plated and cubic zercona Mickey earrings onto my naked
lobes. I had found the joy in dressing, in loving an aesthetic so much because
of how it makes you feel. And #Disneystyle (that’s what the bloggers call it)
made me feel light and happy. It made me feel like dreams could come true and if
you were kind and good, life would unfold beautifully in front of you with a
gold shining path and birds singing a song just for you. It’s a different kind
of armor. Protective in the way it lights up the parts of me that the world has
tried to beat out of me: the silly parts, the childlike parts, the part that
isn’t productive or self-sacrificing. And as I’m slowly coming out of the
depression fog it is still helping me. Helping me to feel confident and happy
so that I can meet whatever new challenge comes with childlike wonder and
curiosity. Because at the end of every Disney movie there is a HEA (Happily
Ever After) and although I know that life doesn’t work exactly like that, aren’t
we all moving towards those HEA moments? Those days, months or years (if we’re
lucky) that feel like we’re in the delightful time after the carriage rides off
in the sunset. We all deserve those moments—those of us surviving in
marginalized bodies even more so.
When I put on my patched jean jacket and my Mickey & Minnie earrings I feel that sense of HEA, even for a moment and I know I can go back to that feeling inside myself when things feel too big or hard or scary.
When I put on my patched jean jacket and my Mickey & Minnie earrings I feel that sense of HEA, even for a moment and I know I can go back to that feeling inside myself when things feel too big or hard or scary.
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