"Going Out," Looking Good & Belonging to Ourselves

There are a few things that send me into a full out meltdown like getting ready to "go out." 

In college I remember racking my brain to come up with the perfect outfit that was casual but attractive, not too sexy but not too frumpy and then attempt to do the same thing with my hair and make-up. I would stand in front of my closet, pull out a few contenders and then fall face down on my bed  and whine (usually to Mary) about how my clothes are dumb and I'm ugly and fat (the upsetting ultimate girl-self-put-down that is steeped in sexism, racism & fat shaming) and what is even the point anyway. And the things is, that was really how I approached the whole thing. The point of "going out" was to get boys to like you, to choose you, to somehow deem you worthy.

Every night that I came home without a boy having given me his stamp of approval felt like a failure. It didn't matter that I danced with my friends to my favorite songs or that I had worn that new shirt that I liked.

That feels like a million years ago. Last night as I got ready to go out and celebrate Mary's birthday at a new Queer Hip Hop party with a group of our friends I didn't have that melt-down. Of course I fretted over the outfit, the hair and the make-up but not because I was worried about the judgement of others (I mean, obvi I was a LITTLE worried, I'm still human) but because I was going for a look and wanted it to be just so. I had fun deciding my hair and make-up and dancing in my mirror to Rihanna thinking "damn I look good!" And that was enough. At several points during the getting ready process I would pop into Mary's getting ready process and ask if she thought various elements of me "looked good" and like a good feminist wife she retorted, "do YOU think it looks good?" And she was right, nothing else really matters.

This afternoon we watched The Neighbors 2. In the movie these freshmen girls decided that the Frat parties they would have to go to (because Sororities aren't allowed to throw parties...wtf) were too gross and instead of just dealing with it they would just throw their own parties. While watching this I was once again reminded of last night. For women the message is never about our fun or pleasure. We are there to make OTHER people have more fun and feel comfortable. Even in this stupid stoner movie that was being examined (even if by accident). By the end of the movie the girls end up having to throwing a "gross frat-style" party to make money. They start to talk about how they can't wear the normal stuff they usually wear because they have to appeal to frat guys that will only want to go if they dress in outfits those guys would like. This was very different than the other parties they throw earlier in the movie like their rager "feminist icon party." Phrases like "the male gaze" are super academic and might sound outdated but the concept rings true. This part of the movie is an example of how women understand what is expected of us, we have been taught it, fed it from every angle possible. Sometimes it is so pervasive that we start to think that it's the same thing we want.

For me, a queer identity and being primarily in queer places for "partying" changed the way I saw myself and how I moved in public space. As much as dressing for "the male gaze" was a part of my thought process I also worried about being too provocative and the fear of unwanted attention that comes with it. Being in queer spaces allowed me to embrace my body and dress as sexy as I wanted. To own my sexuality and femininity for myself and on my own terms. Having a partner that validates that helps too.

I hope as we continue the work of healing and resistance that this realization and taking back of self happens younger and younger until it doesn't need to happen at all. Until we can raise girls that belong to themselves from the start.