On Not Being Fine

So we're closing in on the end of week one of #TrumpsAmerica and let me tell you, I am EXHAUSTED. 

Every day, hell every few hours there's a new assault on my communities and the communities I'm in solidarity with and that shit is getting old, real quick. And this is JUST THE BEGINNING.

And this thing keeps happening, a thing that happens probably 5-10 times a day, people ask me "how's it going?" or "how are you?" It's what you say in passing in the kitchen to that person filling up their water bottle or passing you in the hall. As nice as these people might be and however pure their intentions are, that is a loaded question. It has always been a loaded question because the socially acceptable response is "good" or "fine" usually with a little smile and reciprocating ask. I am advocating for a cease and desist of this "pleasantry." Here's why:

I AM NOT FINE. 

I'm certainly not going to be fine for the next 4 years and let me tell you, a lot of shit has happened to me in the past year and a half that made me very not-fine on any given day. For a lot of 2016 I was on the verge of tears pretty much every other day. What happens when you ask me how I am is that I don't think about myself, I immediately think about you. How you're going to react if I honestly answer this question or how I don't want to tell you about the fact that I'm on the verge of tears. So instead of being honest with myself I lie, I smile and say "good!" I become an actress for keeping up appearances sake and not making anyone feel uncomfortable.

Here's what I suggest, let's stop asking people how they are unless we REALLY have the time and energy to know. Let's start saying, "nice to see you" or "how 'bout them ((insert professional sporting team here))." I don't want to lie anymore and I don't want to have to feel guilty about bumming you out because I'm only trying to warm up my oatmeal and I really don't want to talk to you at all.

One last thing. I am advocating for us getting real about our feelings in this moment. I understand that there's work to be done and that we need to keep moving forward. I'm not saying we stop doing that. But if you're feeling hopeless, just feel hopeless while you're being a good friend or clicking the donate now button on the Standing Rock Legal Fund page. I have spent a lot of the weekend and the week feeling guilty about not feeling hopeful and ready and positive about the fight ahead.

Feeling shitty and then feeling guilty about feeling shitty is DOUBLE SHIT. 

So if you're hopeful and ready that's great, but please let the rest of us feel upset, sad and deflated. It doesn't mean we aren't doing the work too or that we'll get stuck that way, it just means that right now, that's where we're at.