Practicing Self-Love by Acknowledging Limits

Today I went to a protest. More on that in a much longer post tomorrow because it's all I can do to keep my eyes open right now and I want to really write about that experience. However, there was something I realized while my body was slowly losing every bit of energy after a few hours without sustainable food.

My body is limited.

Even writing that feels like a failure. But I will practice radical self-love by holding this truth and loving myself fully. I'm hypoglycemic and that means that every few hours I HAVE to eat. Depending on how much energy I'm using (mental and/or physical) the amount and frequency with which I need to eat could be more. This fact coupled with my peanut allergy means that access to food I can eat isn't always available.

I've known this for a little over 3 years but that doesn't mean I've really accepted it. People that know me expect that I travel with snacks and always have a healthy meal brought from home for lunch. This is how I try to prevent my body from betraying me and limiting me. But there are times when I push it because "everyone else can" and because eating in a corner while everyone else is having fun makes me feel weak and like a frail oversensitive weirdo. When the lunch meeting goes too long or I have an after work hour event to attend with no real break for dinner I panic, freeze and then keep it moving. Only to be met with intense hunger pains and lightheadedness 30 minutes later because I ignored what my body was telling me. 

This changes the way I exist in a way I'm still frustrated with. It wasn't always this way, I used to be able to go a full day without eating anything but cereal. I would excel at my classes, ace the test, take incredible notes with barely anything fueling my body. And that almost makes it worse, the memory of days when I didn't have to think "how many snacks can I fit in this bag?" or "is there going to be a fridge there for my lunch?"

Today it happened again. As I packed my bag for the protest that same wash of panic came over me, how long will we be there, how long will this half a tuna sandwich, almonds and popcorn sustain me? The panic hit me again when the protest speaker exclaimed hours later "we're not leaving until all the detainees are released!"

As I walked out of the terminal exhausted and starving I felt the same guilt I always fell: I should be stronger, the detainees don't have food, they're tired from traveling, I need to be more. Luckily I had a community of people with me making sure I took care of myself and showering me with words of love and concern for my health. 

Tonight I'm trying to take in those words of love from my friends and family. 

I'm trying to remind myself that this body is worthy of care and love even with its limits because it's the only one I have and it is enough.